Week 133: Like, Wow.


Republicans are to Democrats as Those 7 Cigarette Company Executives are to the Chicago 7.

Rocky IV is to Rocky as Where's Waldo is to Guernica

This Week's Contest was proposed concurrently by Michael Farquhar of Washington and some guy whose name we forgot. A long time ago, Michael -- who recently left for a writing job after flushing 2 1/2 years of his life down the pooper as The Czar's flunky -- suggested a contest on the subject of analogies. But he could never come up with a single remotely funny example. The guy whose name we forgot came up with the splendid Chicago 7 example above, but as an inappropriate losing entry to an unrelated contest. So Michael wins one half of a $ 20 bill. The other half gets held in trust for the guy whose name we forgot, in case we ever remember or in case he ever contacts us with proof of authorship. Otherwise, Michael is screwed. Anyway, the contest is to come up with funny analogies like those above. First-prize winner gets a framed, drawn-to-scale poster depicting Penises of the Animal Kingdom, donated to the Style Invitational by Kitty Thuermer of Washington. 

Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 133, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 9. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of The Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Tom Witte of Gaithersburg for today's Ear No One Reads. The Faerie also sympathizes with those persons who wrote in politely to say they did not understand the winning bumper sticker slogan, "F2 2U2." The Faerie reminds those persons that the world is full of persons who do not "get" things. And that these persons are no less worthy than are persons who do "get" things, except for being generally dumber. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 130, in which you were asked to come up with city names to pair with existing state abbreviations.

This contest provoked the highest response total to date, more than 30,000 entries. Dozens of good ones were too popular to reward with prizes: Chutz, Pa.; Phony, ID; Oompah, Pa.; Penis, NV; Praise, Ala.; Gimme, N.M.; Oye Como, Va.; Faux, Pa.; Aww, Fl.; and of course, Style Invitation, Al.

As often happens when we get a gigantic response, the chances are greater than usual that we have inadvertently failed to give credit to entries that duplicate our winners. If you feel we have cheated you, submit your original entry in triplicate, together with a notarized statement establishing your claim, to: I WUZ ROBBED, c/o the New Republic, 1 Dag Hammarskjold Plaza, New York, N.Y.

Next, we offer some free advice. Now listen up, because the Style Invitational does not believe in being reader-friendly more than once a year. When someone submits, say, a list of 75 entries, and the first 25 are without merit, the subsequent 50 get a fairly cursory going-over. Bing bang boing, right in the can, if you get our drift. So. If you are going to send in huge lists, you might want to put your best stuff atop or, even better, edit yourself. It pays off. Kitty Thuermer seldom enters. But when she does, the entry is usually very clever, and it is invariably one entry only, printed in BIG BLACK MAGIC MARKER LETTERS. In terms of batting average, Kitty Thuermer is Honus Wagner.

Having said this, we are compelled to report that this week, one person submitted 240 entries, each on a separate slip of paper, each with its own return address, a stunning, impenetrable stack of mail three inches high. Moreover, this person accompanied his submission with a pathetic $ 1 bribe to curry favor with David, who is Farquhar's successor. David pocketed the buck. We are nothing if not sleaze bags. Anyway, of the guy's 240 entries, 239 of them were leaden, predictable, repetitious, devoid of even a semblance of humor. The 240th won the contest. No, we don't know what to make of it, either. But we felt we had to tell you.

Fourth Runner-Up: Great Ganja, Mon. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

Third Runner-Up: Needaride, No. Car. (Ellen and Bruce Dean, Frederick; Paul Styrene, Olney)

Second Runner-Up: Cntrl Alt, Del. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring; John Kammer, Herndon; Anne Oliveira, Arlington; Thomas Sudbrink, Washington)

First Runner-Up: Tudor Moon, Alas. (Tammy Petrillo, Gaithersburg)

And the winner of the framed West Virginia Hick Festival poster:

Lakshmanan Sathyavagiswaran, MD. (Tommy Litz, Bowie)

Honorable Mentions:

Brezh, Nev. (Tristan Siegel, Charlottesville; Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Nottubrite, RI (Bob Thurston, Woodbridge)

Solipsism, Me. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

Ham Sam, Mich. (Anna Shaw, McLean; Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Iglattin, PA (John Machado, Vienna)

Only 200, Cal. (John Kammer, Herndon)

OhyesohyesohYESYESYESOH, Oh. (John Kammer, Herndon; Celeste Yousoof, Germantown)

CH3, OH (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Phhtphht, Ak., Bill the Cat's hometown (Phil Plait, Silver Spring)

Inasmuch, Az. (Ellen Lamb, Washington)

Made, In., USA (Fred Dawson, Beltsville)

Inoperable, Mass. (John H. Tuohy, Arlington)

Far Merinda, Del. (Jerrold Witcher, Takoma Park; Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Imonbreak, OK (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Diabetic Co., Ma. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville)

Green Eggs, N. Ham. (Bob Ullom, Silver Spring)

Dry Vinon, MT (Rich Hoffman, Fairfax)

Cowabun, Ga. (Richard Rosen, Silver Spring)

Barmitz, Va. (Harry Richardson, Laurel)

Great Grand, Ma. (Michael Temple, Washington)

Lillol, Me. (Barry Talsky, Bowie)

Ididntouchyourhooters, Miss. (Edward S. Costley, Laurel)

Rectal, Colo. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

And Last:

Chucksmith, Alas. (Jim Kimble, Silver Spring)